Twilight Zone

Call me crazy, but I don't want to be engaged at 19!!! I know, I'm a female at a Christian school, I'm supposed to only have marriage on my mind, but I've never been one to follow the norm.

My boyfriend(ish) of the last two years, T, wants to get engaged. Like ASAP. He wants to put a ring on my finger and live together next semester. Mind you, we haven't even "officially" dated in about three months and the longest that we've consecutively dated is somewhere in the neighborhood of four months. Granted, even on breaks, the longest we've ever gone without talking and seeing on another was about two weeks, but still. There is nothing secure and steady about our relationship, and I am absolutely horrendous at committing to things. Seriously, I am probably the most indecisive and flaky person you'll ever meet. Perfect candidate for a young marriage, right?

Last night, we hung out for the first time in about three weeks. We have been talking nonstop, but I felt like there was something keeping me from seeing him but I couldn't put my finger on it. So last night I broke our mini-break and spent time with him. He was a gentleman and so sweet, but there was no real conversation. It seems like all we do is talk about the future, maybe throw God's name in there once or twice, and then spend all of our time in person just physically showing how much we missed one another. (No, we do not sleep together or anything like that, so don't think that's what I mean. However, it is not glorifying to God as we are taking things much further than we should when outside of a marriage covenant.)

I've realized that there really is no spiritual connection between us. Yes, both of us are believers and we truly seek the Lord - on an individual basis. We've never prayed together, never done a Bible study, or even attended a church service together (which is weird, since the first time we went on a "date" we met up first at his high school youth group). I feel like I'm missing something, but I don't know what it means to be in a truly God-centered relationship. We're both strong believers, but there's no spiritual relationship between us. I want that, I so desperately want to be with a man who is so in love with the Lord that we can just sit for hours and talk about Him. Can I have that? Is it possible?

I want to believe that I can, but honestly I don't believe that a godly guy would ever date me. I've got a lot of baggage and I did a lot of stupid things before I became a Christian, and even since then as He was taking me through the refining process. I wouldn't want a godly man to be stuck with me - he deserves to be with someone pure who saved all of herself for him. Yes, I know that God makes us a new creation in Christ, but still. It wouldn't be fair to put a good guy through all my junk. I'm TERRIBLE at relationships, friendships and dating relationships alike.

Anyways, I told T this morning that I need to listen to God's call for my life right now; I need to be single. I need to fall in love with God and love Him with ALL of my heart. I've let my spiritual life suffer because I've placed all my focus on trying to find a guy. I don't know what the future may bring, but I have to believe that my future is in HIS hands. I've always made the first move in all of my dating relationships (even with T, I got his number and initiated things), and I want to believe that a guy could pursue me. Who knows what will come, but it's time to just focus ALL of my energy on the One who loves me more than anyone else.